The Bald Goat

I love to sing. I love to be a part of a time of worship filled with lots of people, great music, loud, powerful, strong. My family is a part of a large community of believers in Abilene. I should be thrilled to be a part of exactly what I desire in a time of worship every week, but something is not right. 

And that something is me…

I am self-conscious. If you look around the large auditorium each week you will find people expressing themselves in all sorts of ways during the times of worship each week. Some people find a place to get down on their knees, some people take off their shoes, some lift hands, close eyes, engage in a full aerobic workout filled with jumping and dancing. It is beautiful and amazing and free and it stirs my mind and soul. But I find myself a rigid worshiper. I believe my hands won’t know what to do if I take them out of my pockets. I sing…loud…and sometimes close my eyes, but then I loose my place in the song and open them again to see the words on the screen.

I understand that it is ok to worship God in whatever way is natural and he will receive our worship as the act of love and praise that it is. But I feel as if I am holding back and not worshiping fully. Not because I don’t love God or want to praise him, but because… I guess if I am totally honest, I must love my own comfort more than I love the idea of praising God fully. Wow…I just reread that last sentence and it was brutal.

If I didn’t want to express myself more in worship I don’t think this would be a big deal, but the fact that I would like to engage more and I don’t because I am self-conscious is just wrong.

I want to get over this. I need to get over this. I carry lots of baggage from the traditions I grew up with and I believe it is time to cast aside my reservations and insecurities and allow my heart to dictate my actions during times of praise and worship. (deep sigh)

Anyone else struggle with stuff like this?

Lord, break me free from the self imposed shackles that hinder me from letting loose and expressing myself to you. No one is watching me. I wont stick out like a sore thumb. I am the only one who is critical of me. Thank you for what you are doing to change me, shape me, mold me, gently and yet firmly into what you want me to be.